Day 367, Sort of, but not really

"Sort of, but not really" seems to be the phrase of the week for me. I have been asked numerous times by the staff at my old school if I am enjoying my new position. Sort of, but not really. I understand that the majority of the problem lies within me....with no one to blame by myself. Instead of feeling liberated, respected, necessary, capable, appreciated, and autonomous, I instead feel that I am unimportant, unqualified, incompetent, and easily expendable. It's not that I perceive myself as these things, on the contrary, I went into the position feeling confident, capable, and believing I would play an intricate role in making a difference this year. No. It's how others, (one or two in particular who are in administrative positions,) have made me feel since day one on the new job. I feel undermined at every turn, and like the rug is being pulled from beneath me.

So, it's a difficult position I find myself in this Monday morning. Am I excited to go to work today? Sort of, but not really.

I know it is up to me to figure out how to turn a position spin on all this. I will play their political game, I will kiss the appropriate bottoms, and I will be a team player. I will swallow my pride and ego (they will see to that,) and I will bite my tongue (hopefully I won't end up exploding, or worse, imploding!!) and I will seek to gain as much experience and education as I can to make this a growing and worthwhile experience. But right now, I do not feel like I belong there.

Am I sure I did the right thing? I was. I have to hold on to that original answer. The situation has changed, but that would be nothing new to God, so I have to have faith that there is a reason I'm here. Can I see the benefit of this detour from my original path?

Sort of, but not really.